GLOBAL HEALTH AGING

Hi Friend, 

I hope you’ve been well. I wanted to ask how you’d still feel if I came to your New Year’s Eve party. I know it’s ironic that I mentioned ending things, but I want you to know that I still love and miss you. It was not my desire to end our friendship; it’s just that your sole focus on my mental health, while I truly understand, was overwhelming for me. More importantly, what I was trying to communicate but couldn’t at the time was while I appreciated and took all your advice, I also wanted to have autonomy in what I decided. But I was unsure if you’d be fine with that because, in the past, people haven’t been, and whether I went with my plan or theirs, it still ended the friendship. So, my fears played out, as I explained to you.

I know deep down that I’m not in denial of my situation. I want to thrive and change things in some way. I don’t want to stay stuck, especially in a season of suffering. But I also know that change is gradual, and grief can be paralyzing even though a part of me doesn’t feel or imagine getting out of my mental struggles until my situation changes. I’ve talked with other undocumented immigrants suffering similarly, even those having stable work and housing, like Gareth Kelly and Egle Malinauskaite. Ultimately, I want to get out of my crisis, paralyzing grief, or just being stuck in a crisis mode. I want to try and work on things even when it takes energy (rather than doing nothing as you thought I would). For example, I was still willing to find other resources even when I chose not to take our church’s help for reasons you know about.

As a Christian who has hope in Christ, I do believe my immigration status does not define me (despite a constant narrative by society, which I often fight against), but I know we also are not promised a struggle-free life, just like how Apostle Paul wasn’t freed, from a thorn he prayed for. Still, I realize I need more mental health support, and I also need situational change that can improve my situation. It’s also why you see me applying to graduate programs and fellowships, trying to get more stable gigs and better housing, continuing to meet people, etc., even though such things aren’t so straightforward. I wanted to explain what I couldn’t articulate well that day and where I was coming from because you’ve been a good friend during this time. I know it’s Christmas season, and you’re busy with festivities, so please feel free to respond when you can, or if you want to talk when you get back, I’ll be here. Even though I’d love to see you at your New Year’s Eve party, I will respect your wishes if I’d rather not come. Most of all, I will grieve not seeing you again. I love you.

Warm regards, 

Sarai

Sarai (not her real name) volunteers to help end hunger, homelessness, and human trafficking in her community.